Have I loved you enough today?

"Have I loved you enough today?" is a question I ask myself, more than Evie, every day since she was born.  It's something I worry about.  I know that sounds silly because since I stay at home what else could I be doing other than loving her?  But, there really is always something to do.  Whether it's cleaning, cooking, laundry, preparing for the day, preparing for the next day, writing thank yous, writing blog posts, running errands, taking the dogs for a walk, yelling at the dogs to quit barking/digging/whining...the list goes on.  This is not to say I think I have more to do than other people, I know this is definitely not the case, but regardless, life's little mundane tasks must be completed.  And I honestly enjoy completing them.  But every once in a while, I stop and think, "Am I loving you enough today?"

Of course my love for Evie just grows stronger and deeper every day, so that's not really the question.  What I really mean is "Have I appreciated you enough?"  "Have I held you enough?"  "Have I done the best that I could do?"

I don't know if it's because I had my first baby "later in life" that it's so glaringly obvious or because I have people telling me all the time, but time really is precious.  The number of days that she wants to be held, sung to, kissed & hugged are finite.  She is not always going to want me to be around, smile when she sees me or laugh when I make a funny noise.  And that's the way it's supposed to be.  That's one of the ways I'll know I'm raising an independent girl.  But knowing that is all coming makes me want to stop time some days and makes me appreciate her all the more.  But then there are the other days when I have a load of laundry in the washer, a load in the dryer, a load to be folded, the dogs whining to go out, then barking at a doorbell on TV and then chasing the cat, the counter is littered with a partially prepped supper for dinner that evening and a screaming baby who decided she was hungry after 2 hours instead of the normal 3-4.  Those are the days I really think, "Am I loving you enough today?"

I think because I'm so aware of it, the answer is always "yes."  Yes, I am loving her enough.  Yes, I am holding her enough.  Yes, I am appreciating her enough.  And yes, I am always doing my best.  But, it doesn't stop me from wondering.  It doesn't stop me from yearning for the time to go a little slower so I can love her a little bit more.  Breathe her in.  Memorize her.  Sometimes at night, even when I'm so thankful she's sleeping, I just stare the baby monitor and watch her and think, "I know you are the best thing I will ever do with my life."  And I know that I'll have done a good job when I can ask her the question, "Have I loved you enough?" and she can answer, without hesitation, "Yes."